The end of 2009 approaches...

Time sure flies when you're getting older :) I remember when I thought 50 was old...not so much anymore! Course I'm not totally there yet. :0)
I came to re-read my entries today because I received an email from an old acquaintance who labeled my blog as "depressing". Decided I needed to see if it really was. I suppose if you are someone who doesn't really know me well, you may get that impression. What I see when I look back, is a trail of God's work. Yes, alot of seemingly depressing things have occurred in the last 16 months. And I battled a period of depression in my life. But God is faithful, He is good, and He is my Rock, and my Fortress! Have I attained the place in life I want to be at? Absolutely not, most people, if they are honest, haven't. But one thing I know, I am a work in progress, learning every day. Trials come to make us stronger...and I am. Are those times pleasant? Not at all. Do I still grieve the losses we've endured? Absolutely!!! But I am truly thankful for the way my life has been blessed by those he has brought into my life, past & present. Each have had an effect on who I am today, no matter how pleasant or unpleasant the experience might have been.
Another loss has come to our community...a family friend has lost his wife to a tragic car accident, leaving behind 2 very young children. Because of what we as a family have been through, we can reach out and help them in THEIR time of need. Depressing? Nope...it's being the hands and feet of Jesus. Easy? Nope...but we do it anyway. Please pray for Dustin and his family during this most difficult time.
The whole reason I began this section of the blog was for me to vent my feelings, to share the frustrations of dealing with death AND life. For me it has served it's purpose...

May the God of peace fill your hearts and minds, and if you don't already know Him, may this CHRISTmas season be the one where you truly find the babe in the manger, to be your Saviour.

looking for peace in the storm...

God, I hurt...to the very core of my being. The emotional pain is greater then I've experienced in quite some time. Where is my anchor thru the storm? Why am I being so tossed by the waves? All I do is cry, and it isn't depression...it's grief...heart-wrenching, gut busting grief. Grief at what and who I've lost, grief over wrong choices, grief over lost opportunities, grief over failed relationships, grief...so overwhelming. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the peace that passes all understanding? How in the world am I supposed to keep being strong for everyone else when I can barely stand!? I need unfailing, unconditional, human love and understanding to see me thru right now...where is it?? Lord, heal my aching, wounded heart.

It's been awhile. . .

It seems like the only time I write here is when I update my other blog. Life has so many twists and turns, you'd think I'd know that at my age :) What do you do when life slaps you in the face...big time? You either a.run and hide, b.fight back, or c.reach out to the One who gave you life in the first place. Wish I always chose "C"....Too many times I do all 3 saving "c" for last. Our family has been through alot in this past year, I've written of much of it on here, some of it I haven't and won't...it's too private. Let's just say it's been a rough road and doesn't look to be any smoother any time too soon. I love my family, each and EVERY one of them. Some I'd like to shake the stuffing out of until they see the light...but I still love 'em. Some I just can't get enough of...some I can hardly be around...but I still love 'em. Bet that's how God sees us too at times. So what do I do? How do I handle the days when I want to scream and shout and tell someone how stupid they are and how much they need the REAL Christ in their life? I pray...and I pray some more and I tell GOD how I feel, cuz if I tell that person, well, it won't be pretty and they probably never will know the Jesus I know. "everyone needs compassion, everyone needs forgiveness, a love that's never failing"

Lord Jesus, speak to me, fill me with love and compassion for the ones who need it most. Make me willing to be willing, and able to forgive. Give me peace where there is unsettledness and hope where there is despair. Show me how to love like You do, unconditionally and without restraint. I love you, Lord.

It's been awhile. . .

Over a month has passed since I've written anything. I've started to several times. . .words fail me right now. I am still reading from Streams in the Desert. This is the devotional for Sunday Feb.8th: "Surely I am with you always. Matt. 28:20. Never look ahead to the changes and challenges of this life in fear. Instead, as they arise look at them with the full assurance that God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. Hasn't He kept you safe up to now? So hold His loving hand tightly and He will lead you safely through all things. And when you cannot stand, He will carry you in His arms. Do not look ahead to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you His unwavering strength that you may bear it. Be at peace then and set aside all anxious thoughts and worries."
Once again, tragedy has struck. On Friday evening Feb. 6th, I was still at work with Jeanette, which is not the norm, when the phone rang and it was our local police informing her Kip had been in an accident and she needed to get to the hospital. I drove her, all the while my stomach churning, wanting to vomit, and on the outside remaining calm (I think) for her sake, speaking words of reassurance. She said to me "who else has a husband that takes care of them like mine does, what am I going to do?" I quickly told her he would be alright and not to think so far ahead. When we arrived at the ER, I dropped her off, parked my van, spoke briefly with the ambulance driver who had brought Kip in, and went inside expecting to find her already with Kip. But there she sat, alone and with a look on her face I will never forget. . . not long after that a nursing supervisor came and got us taking us to a private room. It was then that in the deep recesses of my being I knew. . . it wasn't good. You only go to those rooms for two reasons, death and bad news. Again the physical urge to vomit almost overtook me as we walked down the short but seemingly endless hallway. Now to my recollection, I have never had a bad experience at EGH, but the nurses and doctors were exceptional on this night. Jeanette graciously allowed me the same access as her family and I stayed. I tried to listen more intently because I know in these situations you sometimes don't hear it all, and I tried to read the nurses faces and the doctors. . . what I saw there told me what I didn't want to know. And the battle within me began. I began to pray for a divine intervention and for strength for the family. My consistent prayer was "Lord, let Kip be Kip. Restore him to the man we know." When the doctor came in after the first CT scan I wanted to run from the room and shout "no Lord, not again, not Kip! Why?!" It was after I caught a good glimpse of him on the stretcher as he was transferred from the ER to CCU, that my prayers took on a new focus. "Lord, touch his body and heal it in the way You see fit." My heart knew God could perform a miracle in the next 72 hours, my head kept arguing. . . Jeanette allowed me to go back to see Kip on Saturday night, funny I just now realized it was nearly 24 hours after we got the call. . . this was not the teacher, employer, and friend I knew, laying in that hospital bed. And somehow I knew then, Kip was heading for his heavenly home, may have already been there. I silently thanked him for what he had done for me over the years and said my farewell, not knowing for sure if it was for the moment or until we meet in heaven some day. It was my privilege to be considered family during this long weekend. I watched Jeanette and her boys and their wives deal with the situation with such grace and peace. Yes, they had their moments, who wouldn't. They never gave up hope and yet they knew God would do what He determined to be best, whether we understand it or not, whether we like it or not. And they accepted that with humbleness. Kip treated Jeanette as if she were a queen, it appears to have filtered down to his sons. What a legacy. Each have married women who compliment them wonderfully and love them wholeheartedly, and they return that love. None of our lives will be the same without Kip around. I will miss our talks about sports and the sly grin when he made a joke you had to think about to catch :) And I will miss his unconditional acceptance of everyone, his compassion, and his stability. When I think of Kip in the days to come, it won't be of the man I saw in CCU, it will be of the man at the computer, or on the floor with one of his grandkids. The man who loved life and lived out his faith. . . rest in peace, Kip, you deserve the Heavenly reward you have received. I'm reminded of a song, "thank-you for giving to the Lord, I am a life that was changed. . ."

Looking back. . .

2008. . .wow, what a year. . . as with every year, there are parts I'd love to repeat, parts to forget, parts I wanna shout "do over!", parts I cry "God, no, please". . .and all of it makes up who I am. It's been a year where He has worked in me to heal my depression and lessen my migraines. Hallelujah!! I've seen relationships begin to heal. . . thank-you Jesus. But I've experienced pain, and death, and loss. . .God, why?
In June I had the awesome experience of 8 days vacationing with Amanda in Florida, Tennessee, and North Carolina. We visited both my brothers in Florida and I saw nieces, nephews, and their children that I hadn't seen in 7 long years!! It was wonderful!!! We laughed, we cried, we shared and we vowed NEVER to let do much time go by again. And Lord willing, I won't! We spent time traveling the Blue Ridge Parkway which was an awesome experience, long, but awesome! And then we spent a couple of great days with Michael too. Great times!! Family is SO precious. I've always known that, but the older I get the more evident it becomes. Who else knows all about you and loves you anyway? Nobody but Jesus. He gave us our families to teach us how to live and love and sadly. . . how to die. It was on this trip we learned of the death of Travis Hunsberger. I thought my heart would break for Steve & Ronda. Little did I know, it was only the beginning of heartache. . . The weeks that followed are somewhat of a blur, and I'm just a family friend. The tributes, the people, amazing! Then in August I learned that our dear friend Diane Brown was seemingly losing her battle with cancer. . .no God! not Diane! And on October 3rd, He called her home. Again, the ache in my heart for this amazing woman, such grace, such dignity, such love for other people. . .man I miss that laugh, that smile, the jokes, the "wig" ha ha. And before we could recover, Monday, October 6th, Lisa is called home. . . no warning, no explanation. . . dear God in heaven, what are you trying to tell us!! enough already! I'm listening, please stop taking people, please. . .I've said it on here already many times before, I ache, my heart cries out for answers that do not come. I've listened to a CD of her singing that Yellow Creek made for the family. . . such a sweet voice, comfort in hearing it, yet agony all the same. Oh Lisa, I miss you so much! I think the worst is past, 2008 is ending, 2009 will be better. . . on Dec. 27th, Amanda's birthday, Michael gets a call, his roommate Jordan has been found dead in their apartment. 25 years old! No explanation, inconclusive autopsy. . . he had the flu before Christmas, went to the hospital, they sent him home, on Saturday he decided to take a bath and died in the bathtub. The pain and agony on my sons face was unbearable. So much grief. . . what is going on. . .On New Year's Eve he helped bury his friend, co-worker, & roommate. Now he and the other roommate are searching for a new place to live. . . pray for them. As a mother, my heart broke as I held my sobbing son in my arms, I didn't know what to do or say. I cried with him, prayed with him, told him I loved him. What else could I do? I wanted to take it all away. Is this how God grieves when we hurt? Is this how He grieves when we disobey and go our own way? Father, forgive me! I KNOW you understand my pain, but could You please take it away? Could You comfort my family and all their loss and grief as well? Julie has been through so much physical pain with her back surgery. . .I didn't even get to that on here. For awhile I was afraid we were going to lose her too. Now Cory has had back surgery too, touch his body Lord, heal him, take away the pain that has plagued him for so long! And Jeff, Lord his back is a mess and he can't stand the thought of another surgery. . . once and for all, touch him and heal his body, give him the strength he needs to be a single parent, both physically and emotionally. Thank-you for taking Tara's cancer from her body, Lord! We are so grateful for that!! Her little girls need their mommy and Jody needs her too. We ALL do. Thank you for the heart of missions you have given so many in my family. . . Jamie's and the Baby Center in Kenya and Jack's in the Mexico project, Senior and all his trips to Iraq. Bless them Lord. And prepare Amanda as she readies for her trip to Mexico, provide the funds she needs to go. Lord, then there's Adam as he awaits a kidney transplant, keep him healthy and safe and let a donor from amongst the family be found quickly. And with these uncertain economic times, fill each of us with wisdom and continue to provide for all our needs. . . make us wise as to what are "needs" and what are "wants".

I picked up a copy of "Streams in the Desert" devotional and this was part of yesterdays reading:

"In "pastures green"? not always; sometimes He who knowest best, in kindness leadeth me in weary ways, where heavy shadows be. So, whether on the hilltops high and fair I dwell, or in the sunless valley, where the shadows lie, what matter? He is there." "He remembers all the time and will never take you even one step beyond what your feet are able to endure. Never mind if you think you are unable to take another step, for either He will strengthen you to make you able, or He will call a sudden halt, and you will not have to take it at all."

"Sometimes Christmas makes me cry..."

That's the title of a song I've been hearing over and over again on the radio. The words ring so true...I have to keep telling myself that this year the heavenly choir has one more angel, and she's ours. I can see in my mind's eye, Lisa, hands raised and a smile on her face, praising and worshiping the One who created us all...it's a comforting yet hurtful image all the same. Some days are unbearable, others I rejoice and am jealous she got there first. I went out to Jeff's last night to return a suitcase...the tree was up and decorated, and four stockings hung from the fireplace. I knew without looking that one was probably empty...that stung. Life goes on, I know that, it just seems so unfair!! They were trying to pack for the family trip to Florida, little enthusiasm was there. I pray they can relax, rest, and find some peace. I lingered, maybe longer then I should have, maybe not long enough, I really don't know. I had no words, my heart was aching and I just needed to "be there" for awhile. With a hug and the best smile I could muster, I wished them a Merry Christmas and came home..."sometimes Christmas makes me cry..."

"Give thanks with a grateful heart..."

Thanksgiving...the day holds so many different meanings for me. Yes, it's a time to reflect on the past year and count my blessings...most definitely. And there are many. My husband and three amazing children, my family and friends, the job I have that allows me freedom to be with those I love and care for when I'm needed. It's also the anniversary of my daddy's death. And even though 35 years have passed since that dark morning of our lives, some years it seems like only yesterday. This year is one of those years. I miss him, plain and simple. I long for his presence and his hugs. I wish Roger and the kids could've known him. And if it's possible for him to know, I can see him beaming with pride at the size to which his family has grown. He loved his family and doted on his grandchildren. We aren't perfect...but we're his. I see him in so many of my nephews and even in my own sons. It's really awesome, young men who barely knew, or never knew him...yet so like him. Then there's the fact that Lisa is gone. True, we didn't celebrate this holiday together, but the fact still remains, she's gone. I miss her...A year ago we were both anointed for different health reasons. We've both been healed in His own way. That's hard for me. I'm still here and she isn't...why? The day I was anointed, she held me in her arms as I sobbed, and over and over again she said, "it's going to be ok. God loves you so much, and so do I." And when I had calmed, I looked up and there was Cassie, fervently praying for her Great Aunt...how humbling that was for me, but what an example of the faith instilled in those girls by their mom and dad. I knew then and there that God would see me through the dark days of depression and I would be healed. Nicki encouraged me almost daily with emails and prayers and hugs when she saw me. Over and over again Nadine would tell me to hang in there, God was working in me, she could see it. What an amazing family God has given me! And when I deserved it least, my children loved me, they never let me down. There are many more instances I could relate, these are what come to mind right now. The past year has been a journey...a path I'd rather not take again...though filled with precious times, it's been rough and I want to keep moving forward, becoming more like Him. "I want to leave a legacy..." I want some day for my children and grandchildren if I'm so blessed, to remember me as a woman who loved the Lord and put her family and others above all else.