"Sometimes Christmas makes me cry..."

That's the title of a song I've been hearing over and over again on the radio. The words ring so true...I have to keep telling myself that this year the heavenly choir has one more angel, and she's ours. I can see in my mind's eye, Lisa, hands raised and a smile on her face, praising and worshiping the One who created us all...it's a comforting yet hurtful image all the same. Some days are unbearable, others I rejoice and am jealous she got there first. I went out to Jeff's last night to return a suitcase...the tree was up and decorated, and four stockings hung from the fireplace. I knew without looking that one was probably empty...that stung. Life goes on, I know that, it just seems so unfair!! They were trying to pack for the family trip to Florida, little enthusiasm was there. I pray they can relax, rest, and find some peace. I lingered, maybe longer then I should have, maybe not long enough, I really don't know. I had no words, my heart was aching and I just needed to "be there" for awhile. With a hug and the best smile I could muster, I wished them a Merry Christmas and came home..."sometimes Christmas makes me cry..."

"Give thanks with a grateful heart..."

Thanksgiving...the day holds so many different meanings for me. Yes, it's a time to reflect on the past year and count my blessings...most definitely. And there are many. My husband and three amazing children, my family and friends, the job I have that allows me freedom to be with those I love and care for when I'm needed. It's also the anniversary of my daddy's death. And even though 35 years have passed since that dark morning of our lives, some years it seems like only yesterday. This year is one of those years. I miss him, plain and simple. I long for his presence and his hugs. I wish Roger and the kids could've known him. And if it's possible for him to know, I can see him beaming with pride at the size to which his family has grown. He loved his family and doted on his grandchildren. We aren't perfect...but we're his. I see him in so many of my nephews and even in my own sons. It's really awesome, young men who barely knew, or never knew him...yet so like him. Then there's the fact that Lisa is gone. True, we didn't celebrate this holiday together, but the fact still remains, she's gone. I miss her...A year ago we were both anointed for different health reasons. We've both been healed in His own way. That's hard for me. I'm still here and she isn't...why? The day I was anointed, she held me in her arms as I sobbed, and over and over again she said, "it's going to be ok. God loves you so much, and so do I." And when I had calmed, I looked up and there was Cassie, fervently praying for her Great Aunt...how humbling that was for me, but what an example of the faith instilled in those girls by their mom and dad. I knew then and there that God would see me through the dark days of depression and I would be healed. Nicki encouraged me almost daily with emails and prayers and hugs when she saw me. Over and over again Nadine would tell me to hang in there, God was working in me, she could see it. What an amazing family God has given me! And when I deserved it least, my children loved me, they never let me down. There are many more instances I could relate, these are what come to mind right now. The past year has been a journey...a path I'd rather not take again...though filled with precious times, it's been rough and I want to keep moving forward, becoming more like Him. "I want to leave a legacy..." I want some day for my children and grandchildren if I'm so blessed, to remember me as a woman who loved the Lord and put her family and others above all else.

Why??

"Hear my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth." Psalm 54:2

Tonight my heart aches again...fresh pain...as if she just left us yesterday. All the unanswered questions, the "whys", the "what do we do nows". Tonight I closed my eyes and tried to remember her laugh...I heard it. Pure and sweet, not loud, just simple. I see her smile in my mind's eye and my tears fall again. Oh Lisa, you left too soon. I know you're rejoicing in the presence of your heavenly Father, but I miss you so much. I'll never forget you and I'll always love you!

Father God, bring peace to my hurting soul. I'm tired...and I hurt, physically & emotionally. Let me feel Your touch. I need You Lord.

Pray for our nation!

"If my people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray, and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and heal their land."
2Chronicles 7:14

Lord, calm my fears, help me to find peace amidst this storm. Lead, guide and direct the new leaders of this great country. Let them not forget the biblical principles it was founded upon. Bind satan from doing more harm. Have mercy on us, do not give us what we deserve, but instead let this be a wake up call for Christians to unite and seek Your face. Let there be the greatest revival ever and let it begin within me. Protect us from those who would seek to do us harm both physically and spiritually. Father God, we know that all things work together for the good of those who love You. Help me hold fast to the faith I profess and live it daily. I thank You for loving me and for all the blessings You've given me. In You I will trust. . .

the Beginning

Where to start. . .I decided I was maybe getting too personal on my "Quilts of Honor" blog, so I'm going to see if I can keep a private one going instead. The weekend before Lisa passed away she sent me an invitation link to their family blog, but I couldn't get it to work. I was able to access it as a visitor till the end of October. So if anyone in the family knows how to get on it, let me know.
I am really struggling right now. I know we all are to some degree and at different times. My heart aches so bad and then when I think about how I feel and realize that Jeff and the girls hurt is even more than mine, I ache in a different way. Carla and I were talking after church yesterday and she said she was just so tired of being sad. I think maybe that's part of it for me too. And I know that isn't what Lisa would want. I was driving to Nappanee late this afternoon and going through people in my mind trying to think of someone to talk to about all the unanswered questions I have. No one seemed to suit. Then it hit me. . . Lisa is who I would've talked to about what I'm feeling, that's why this is so hard. Certain people play roles in your life. Almost a year ago, I was anointed for my migraines and depression. Lisa was there beside me at the altar, rubbing my back, praying. Then afterwards she held me while I sobbed, trying to make sense of all the hurt and pain, and offered words of comfort, hope, and peace. All the while she was struggling with her own physical problems. Many people helped me through the last year, I wouldn't have made it without all Nicki's emails either, or the faithful prayers of my friends and other family members. I guess you just don't fully realize what you have until it's gone and that sucks! I know without a shadow of a doubt that she was ready to meet our Lord and Savior, but did she want to go already? I mean, I also can't see her ready to leave Jeff, Chelsea, Cassie, & the Compass behind just yet. I realize that heaven is beyond our earthly comprehension, but man I wish there was some explanation that made just a little bit of sense right now.
I love my family. . . I'm doing my best to show that in some way every day. I don't want any regrets anything left unsaid. I know Lisa loved me, and she knew I loved her. I'm grateful God placed her in our family. I just wish with all my heart He'd have let us have her a little while longer. . .