the Beginning

Where to start. . .I decided I was maybe getting too personal on my "Quilts of Honor" blog, so I'm going to see if I can keep a private one going instead. The weekend before Lisa passed away she sent me an invitation link to their family blog, but I couldn't get it to work. I was able to access it as a visitor till the end of October. So if anyone in the family knows how to get on it, let me know.
I am really struggling right now. I know we all are to some degree and at different times. My heart aches so bad and then when I think about how I feel and realize that Jeff and the girls hurt is even more than mine, I ache in a different way. Carla and I were talking after church yesterday and she said she was just so tired of being sad. I think maybe that's part of it for me too. And I know that isn't what Lisa would want. I was driving to Nappanee late this afternoon and going through people in my mind trying to think of someone to talk to about all the unanswered questions I have. No one seemed to suit. Then it hit me. . . Lisa is who I would've talked to about what I'm feeling, that's why this is so hard. Certain people play roles in your life. Almost a year ago, I was anointed for my migraines and depression. Lisa was there beside me at the altar, rubbing my back, praying. Then afterwards she held me while I sobbed, trying to make sense of all the hurt and pain, and offered words of comfort, hope, and peace. All the while she was struggling with her own physical problems. Many people helped me through the last year, I wouldn't have made it without all Nicki's emails either, or the faithful prayers of my friends and other family members. I guess you just don't fully realize what you have until it's gone and that sucks! I know without a shadow of a doubt that she was ready to meet our Lord and Savior, but did she want to go already? I mean, I also can't see her ready to leave Jeff, Chelsea, Cassie, & the Compass behind just yet. I realize that heaven is beyond our earthly comprehension, but man I wish there was some explanation that made just a little bit of sense right now.
I love my family. . . I'm doing my best to show that in some way every day. I don't want any regrets anything left unsaid. I know Lisa loved me, and she knew I loved her. I'm grateful God placed her in our family. I just wish with all my heart He'd have let us have her a little while longer. . .